I’ve noticed a pattern emerging in my emails. It appears that the Internet is really worried about me and only wants what’s best for me.
- It believes I could shed 31 pounds in 3 weeks by using salt to dissolve my body fat or by hindering carb absorption — like Oprah did
- It thinks I should try to qualify for a lower mortgage rate
- It thinks I should spray my way to health
- It wants me to avoid the “pain of exclusion”
- It has some ideas about burial insurance I should consider
- It thinks I should go to nursing school
- It wants me to double my IQ in 30 days by taking one tiny pill
- It wants me to “live it up with exciting horoscope readings”
- It wants me to find the right cable service for my needs
- It’s concerned that my automotive warranty is out of date
- It wants me to know about the shocking lies that hinder health and the evil masterminds behind them
- It wants me to learn about safe bathing with a walk-in tub
- It wants to help me fix my sad secret
- It’s worried I’m consuming too much water
It’s OK, Internet, I was fine before you were invented.
While I find you pretty useful and a great resource most of the time, if I want your advice, I’ll ask Google for it.