Ragan Communications collected a bunch of jokes from an online discussion page, and we thought it might be fun to share some of the better ones on our site. Enjoy!
Q: What’s the difference between a rat and a squirrel?
A: A publicist.
It’s a beautiful spring day in downtown Raleigh, N.C., in the park near the capitol. Folks are picnicking and children are playing.
Suddenly, a pit bull attacks a 3-year-old child, and everyone is paralyzed in shock.
The child is screaming, the dog is snarling and biting. A man steps forward, separates the child and the animal, and snaps the dog’s neck.
Everyone exhales in relief, and a young woman runs over to the man.
“Mister,” she says, “That was incredible. I’m a reporter for the Raleigh News and Observer, and this is going to be on the front page of tomorrow’s edition. I can see the headline now—Raleigh Man Saves Tot!”
And he says, “Well, actually, I’m not originally from Raleigh.”
And she says, “I can see the headline now—North Carolina Man Stops Attack!”
And he says, “Well, to tell the truth, I’m not originally from North Carolina.”
She asks, “Where are you from?”
“New York,” he replies.
And she says, “I can see the headline now—Yankee Bastard Slays Family Pet!”
Q: What’s the difference between a television producer and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What does the wife of a public relations expert do when she has insomnia?
A: She rolls over and says, “Tell me again, darling, just what is it that you do for a living?”
A PR rep for Perdue chicken walks into the Vatican press office and offers $1 million if the pope agrees to change the words in the Lord’s Prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.”
The cardinal in charge throws the guy out.
After repeated attempts and raising the offer to more than $100 million, the cardinal finally concedes the money would do lots of good for the Catholic Church’s causes.
Upon breaking the news to the pope, the cardinal says, “Your Holiness, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I’ve just deposited more than $100 million into the Vatican Bank. The bad news is, we have to cancel the Wonder Bread account.”
Q: How many PR people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One—to place a story in the janitor’s hometown newspaper.
Q: How many reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can’t afford to pay the electric bill.
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting.
“Well, how are we going to get across the sea?” asks Moses. “We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.”
“Normally, I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across,” says the general of the armies, “but there’s not enough time—the Egyptians are too close.”
“Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across,” says the admiral of the navy, “but time is too short.”
“Does anyone have a solution?” asks Moses.
Just then, his public relations man raises his hand.
“You!” says Moses, “You have a solution?”
“No,” says the PR man, “but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three full pages in the Old Testament!”
“I’m thinking of leaving my husband,” complained the wife of a well-known public relations expert. “All he ever does is stand at the end of our bed and tell me how good things are going to be.”
Q: What do a celebrity publicist and a pig have in common?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig just won’t do.
A mathematician, an accountant and a public relations officer all applied for the same job with a large company.
The interviewer called in the mathematician first and asked, “What does two plus two equal?”
The mathematician replied, “Four.”
The interviewer asked, “Four, exactly?”
The mathematician looked at the interviewer incredulously and said, “Yes, of course: four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer called in the accountant and asked the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”
The accountant said, “On average, four — give or take 10 percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer called in the public relations officer and again posed the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”
The public relations officer got up, locked the door, closed the shade, sat down next to the interviewer and whispered, “What do you want it to equal?”
Q: How many PR people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don’t know. I’ll have to get back to you. What’s your deadline? Can I e-mail it to you?